A Journey to the Mind of an Asshole
Have you ever thought “Wow, what an absolute asshole!” about someone? I bet you have. I have. But, who deserves to be branded as an asshole? Many of us use the term indiscriminately, applying it to anyone who annoys us, gets in our way, or happens to be enjoying greater success than us at the moment. But a precise definition is useful if you want to spot them in the wild and avoid them. It can help you distinguish between colleagues (or customers) you simply don't like from those who actually deserve the label. It can help you distinguish people who are having a bad day or a bad moment ("temporary assholes", as it isn't fair to call someone an asshole based on a single episode) from persistently nasty and destructive jerks ("certified assholes").
Researchers who write about psychological abuse in the workplace define assholery as "the sustained display of hostile verbal and nonverbal behavior". That definition is useful as far as it goes, but it isn't detailed enough for understanding what assholes do and their effects on others. Assholes hit a special unpleasant nerve as they extract every ounce of joy from our system.
Bob Sutton, in his evergreen “The No Asshole Rule1”, suggests a simple test to spot them:
Test One: After talking to the alleged asshole, do you feel oppressed, humiliated, de-energized, or belittled by the person? In particular, do you feel worse about yourself than before talking?
Test Two: Does the alleged asshole aim their venom at people who are less powerful rather than at those people who are more powerful or equals?
There are many other actions—sociologists call them interaction moves or simply moves—that assholes use to demean and deflate their victims. Dr. Sutton goes further and lists twelve common moves (“the dirty dozen”, as he calls it) to illustrate the range of these subtle and not-subtle behaviors used by assholes:
THE DIRTY DOZEN
Common Everyday Actions That Assholes Use
Personal insults
Invading one's "personal territory"
Uninvited physical contact
Threats and intimidation, both verbal and nonverbal
"Sarcastic jokes" and "teasing" used as insult delivery systems
Withering e-mail or Slack flames
Status slaps intended to humiliate their victims
Public shaming or "status degradation" rituals
Rude interruptions
Two-faced attacks
Dirty looks
Treating people as if they are invisible
I would add a few more:
Shamelessly throwing people under the bus when things go bad and equally shamelessly taking the credit when they go well
Tone deafness coupled with a consistent incapacity to “read the room”
Lack of awareness or interest in building rapport
General incapacity to be on top of things (out of laziness, incompetence, or the pretense they’re too busy or too important to be on top of things). This creates a sense of constant dissatisfaction that, in their asshole minds, justifies them to be jerks
It takes some effort to qualify as a certified asshole: a person needs to display a persistent pattern, to have a history of episodes that end with one target/victim after another feeling belittled, put down, humiliated, disrespected, oppressed, de-energized, and generally worse about themselves. Psychologists make the distinction between states (fleeting feelings, thoughts, and actions) and traits (enduring personality characteristics) by looking for consistency across places and times if someone consistently takes actions that leave a trail of victims in their wake, they deserve to be branded as certified assholes.
We all have the potential to act like assholes under the right (or should we say wrong!) conditions when we are placed under pressure or, especially, when our workplace dynamics encourage those in power to act that way.
Although it is best to use the term with care, some people do deserve to be certified as assholes because they are consistently nasty across places, times, and situations.
It is also important to define the term asshole because this is not an argument for breeding spineless wimps; there is virtue in healthy conflict, even noisy arguments. Research on everything from student groups to top management teams reveals that constructive arguments over ideas—but not nasty personal arguments—drive greater performance.
The right kind of friction can help any organization. There is good evidence that spineless and obsequious wimps damage organizations. Experiments and field studies in organizations show that when teams engage in conflict over ideas in an atmosphere of mutual respect, they develop better ideas and perform better.
And let’s also put a good word for socially awkward people, some of whom—through no fault of their own—are so socially insensitive that they accidentally come across as assholes at times. Certainly, people with high emotional intelligence who are skilled at taking the perspectives of people they encounter and responding to their needs and feelings are pleasant to be around and well-suited for leadership positions. Yet many extremely valuable employees—as a result of everything from being raised in dysfunctional families to having disabilities like Asperger's syndrome and nonverbal learning disorders—act strangely, have poor social skills, and inadvertently hurt other people's feelings2.
The Making of an Asshole
So far we have been talking about certified assholes who are already asshole-ing full-time in a steady state. What is their journey to get there? Why do assholes become assholes? Is it a gradual thing or are they assholes right out of the womb? Or is it from kindergarten age? Believe me, I have met little proto-assholes in my kid’s kindergarten. There was this one kid who wouldn’t stop kicking, biting, pulling other kids’ hair, and consistently disregarding personal space, even in front of his parents who would not move a finger to curb that behavior. Although his parents had not transpired as assholes to me, their inaction was, in my view, sowing the seeds of a life of assholery by not letting their (single) son see that his actions were unacceptable. I have no doubts that this kid, should he get in any power position in his adult life, will become a certified asshole 25 years down the road.
And it’s not just me again doing my typical dilettante psychological analysis here. Behavioral psychology suggests that people learn behaviors through observation and reinforcement. If someone grows up in an environment where dominance, aggression, or belittling others is rewarded or at least not punished, they may internalize these behaviors as effective strategies for achieving their goals. Social learning theory highlights how individuals imitate behaviors they see rewarded in others, particularly if those behaviors lead to status or success.
Personality traits play a significant role, particularly those linked to dominance, low empathy, and competitiveness. Research in personality psychology suggests that traits such as narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy—together known as the Dark Triad3—correlate with exploitative and nasty behaviors. While not everyone with these traits becomes toxic, individuals who exhibit high levels of these characteristics are more likely to engage in manipulative or demeaning behaviors, especially if their environment tolerates or rewards such conduct.
Of course, cognitive biases and self-justification mechanisms further entrench these behaviors. People tend to rationalize their actions to protect their self-image. A person who repeatedly mistreats others may convince themselves that their behavior is justified, believing that the world is harsh and only the strong survive. This mindset can be reinforced in workplaces where success is often linked to assertiveness, and some individuals interpret this as permission to act aggressively and unemphatically.
The role of power is another significant factor. Give power to an asshole and you have a dangerous individual who can inflict damage on their subordinates. People in positions of authority often receive less critical feedback and may become insulated from the consequences of their actions. This diminished situational awareness makes it easier for them to act in ways that harm others without feeling guilt or remorse. Often, assholes can be carefully selective, conveniently acting like jerks to those who can’t defend themselves and act nicely—and even show submissive behavior—with those who are either too important for them to succeed or simply more powerful.
Workplace and cultural environments also determine whether someone fully embraces and maintains toxic behavior. If an organization tolerates or even rewards aggressive, demeaning leadership styles—either explicitly or through unspoken norms—individuals are more likely to continue these behaviors. Toxic leaders can create cycles where employees, in turn, adopt similar behaviors to fit into the culture or to protect themselves.
Ultimately, a "certified asshole" is not simply born but shaped through a mix of personality predispositions, social modeling, reinforcement, and the structural dynamics of power and culture. While some may have a stronger inclination toward such behaviors due to innate traits, their persistence and escalation depend on whether these behaviors are met with resistance or rewarded.
Can It Get Any Worse? Yes, Assholes Might Team Up
When two or more “certified assholes” with power align, it’s like a bizarre orchestra of assholery playing a long, awful song out of tune. A clique of certified assholes validate each other's behaviors, reducing any self-doubt or external criticism they might have otherwise faced alone, making them more resistant to feedback and correction.
They may openly manipulate organizational structures, silence dissent (more about this soon), and enforce compliance through fear or coercion. This is why toxic leadership is often difficult to uproot; when one powerful asshole is supported by another, they create a protective network that repels accountability.
When a single toxic leader enacts harmful policies or mistreats subordinates, there’s a clear source of blame. But when multiple toxic individuals reinforce each other’s actions, responsibility becomes diluted. Each member of the toxic alliance can point to the others as co-decision-makers, making it difficult to pin wrongdoing on any one person.
This dynamic is further strengthened by in-group favoritism and out-group hostility. People in positions of power too often form exclusive, even bizarre in-groups with colorful characters, perceiving those outside their clique as inferior or even threatening. When two or more assholes with power associate, they create an elite inner circle where loyalty to the group matters more than ethical considerations.
The combination of mutual reinforcement, power insulation, responsibility diffusion, and in-group bias turns a toxic leader into a toxic system.
Leadership by Erasure
Of course, certified assholery does not go unnoticed for too long, and, sooner than later, people react to it. It might be low-key or open, but consistent asshole action eventually creates a reaction. Whether a certified asshole knows they are an asshole or not, it depends, but the environment will eventually let them know. And the key here is what will the certified asshole do with this information.
In rare cases, they might correct or tone down their behavior. But being so tied to personality traits, most assholes remain assholes for their lifetime.
In cases, assholes in power may choose what we can call leadership by erasure, which means erasing/removing/firing/sidelining/letting go of whoever has realized their assholery and replacing them with people who haven’t had (still) the time nor the pleasure to detect it or are just functional idiots who just yes-boss their ways in life. Of course, because a proper certified asshole is a perpetual alienation machine that even violates thermodynamics laws—it alienates without any input of energy—they will sooner than later alienate the newcomers as well, so the method requires a constant supply of fresh new souls; a revolving door to dispose of the damaged ones and replace them with fresh, blissfully ignorant people who have no clue what they just got themselves into while they believe they just got their dream job.
Post-Asshole Life
Life after escaping the gravitational pull of a certified asshole (or worse, a whole team of them) can be a strange, almost surreal experience. At first, there’s the detox phase; a mix of relief, confusion, and an weird silence where the constant stress used to live. If you've spent months or years in a toxic environment, you might catch yourself bracing for nonexistent criticism, overexplaining simple decisions, or hesitating before speaking; symptoms of what can only be described as "asshole-induced PTSD". It’s as if your nervous system is still waiting for the next passive-aggressive Slack message, the next condescending smirk.
Recovery involves learning how to function in a world where kindness isn’t a trap and respect doesn’t come with a hidden power play. The first step is unlearning the survival mechanisms you adopted under their rule. You don’t actually need to second-guess every interaction. You don’t have to preemptively take blame for things you didn’t do. And no, not everyone around you is secretly plotting your downfall; some people just exist without turning life into an endless power struggle. Wild.
Then comes the rebuilding stage. This is where you reclaim lost confidence, reestablish healthy boundaries, and remember what it's like to work or live without constantly navigating landmines. There’s a certain joy in realizing that, yes, it’s actually possible to work, create, or lead without belittling others or walking on eggshells. That human interaction doesn’t have to be a series of childish dominance games.
Of course, there’s also the lingering bitterness to deal with. The reality is that some assholes never face consequences, and nothing short of a cosmic reckoning will fix that. But the best revenge—as cliché as it sounds—is living well. Not in the performative, "look how great I’m doing" way, but in the quieter satisfaction of knowing that you made it out with your integrity intact.
At some point, you’ll notice the strangest shift of all: boredom. Drama-fueled toxicity has a way of making everything feel urgent and high-stakes, so much so that a peaceful, functional environment can seem… oddly dull at first. But then you realize that dullness is just stability. It’s the absence of bullshit. And that, in itself, is a kind of luxury.
Last but not least, to recover from the effects of sustained certified assholery, just sit down, relax, and meditate: Fuck that.
These paragraphs have been adapted from Chapter 1 of Sutton’s book
In the way I see it, the Dark Triad requires a dose of “high IQ” (even though I don’t exactly believe in IQ as a reliable way of measuring intelligence). Many assholes are not smart. They are rather basic-minded simpletons who act out of sloppy mental processes more than truly Machiavellian masterminds.